What The Fuck Am I Doing?

I considered writing about just how stupid the rally was today but no. Then I considered writing about any of the various topics that are in the news but no. I honestly don’t know what to write about today other than trying to figure out why the fuck I’m even writing to begin with…

I mean who the fuck am I? I’m sitting here putting a bunch of words on a screen and to what purpose? I’m not interesting or thoughtful in my own opinion. I’m a fuckin weirdo with Asperger’s. So ummm yeah…I see things from a different perspective and so maybe that’s interesting? I don’t know if I’m writing for someone to read and find interesting or if I’m writing in some sense as a juggling dwarf as an oddity with my own fucked up sense of how things work.

Yet, here I sit still writing things down that just come into my head. Almost daily I am called out as someone who is just a know-it-all, or someone who thinks they are better than everyone else due to my usage of “big” words. So am I writing to these people? I don’t think so but maybe I am writing against these people, and maybe in some way I do view myself as better than a person who can’t understand the meaning of the word egregious. Anyway I’m still writing and the few people that are reading this probably think I am having some sort of meltdown but that’s not the case at all.

See, this is how my mind works on a daily basis. I am always one step away from giving up and quitting. I’ve always wanted to write a book and outside of an outline I’ve made no progress. I do actually have an outline though which is more than I can say about any other book idea that I have ever had. So basically getting on here and writing is my one way of pushing myself forward and challenging myself to do a little bit better each and every day. I have an extreme lack of self-esteem which comes from believing you are totally different than everyone else on Earth. Believe me when I tell you, not knowing how to be an average person and knowing that you are totally different than everyone else you meet is a total mind fuck to a growing mind.

But anyway, I write because I write and that’s really all I can do to keep myself on the path towards one day actually writing a book.

Much love and I hope you are having a good weekend.

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2 thoughts on “What The Fuck Am I Doing?

  1. I wonder if you know other people with Aspergers? I think if you did you’d know you’re not unlike everyone else on the planet.
    If you want to write books/novels/short stories then write. Write every day. Look at what you’ve written, see if you can improve on it, edit it then publish it.
    Oh and take it from me, as someone married to an Aspie (her term of choice) I can tell you that the part of the brain that us NTs use to work out who’s sleeping with who and gossiping about our neighbours, you guys seem to reserve for knowing ACTUAL, USEFUL information. I don’t ‘know it all’ and even then half the stuff I know is nonsense.
    Keep being unique, keep writing, and try not to worry too much about keeping up with the Jones’s. 😊 Ned.

    Like

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