Stand-Up Blogging

So I have to say that the absolute worst part of being alive is dealing with other people. Seriously, think about it, have you ever been truly offended by a dog? Has a canary ever said anything that makes you question your sanity? Well in reality if a canary is talking to you, you probably should consider seeking help.

It all boils down to people though, these slithering pathetic beings which are little more than a step above the average Capuchin monkey, dancing around a grinder so that the giant man who controls the grinder will maybe give them the things they need to survive.  Yet who the fuck is the giant man controlling the grinder, God? Nah…its the voice inside these pathetic fucks that tells them to shit, fuck, eat, spit, sleep, read just enough to know nothing, and also which God fits you best.

We do have a lot of gods, don’t we? Seriously the world today has more Gods than a sex shop has types of condoms. What type of God do you want? A nice god, a male god, a female god, a unisex god, a god that is wrathful, a god that is against drinking, a god that is okay with smoking, a god that lets you dance, a god that lets you fuck, a god that is a technological achievement, a god that is a metaphysical construct; we’ve got a god to fit every style and flavor that you can choose. That’s really what it boils down to anyway, which god will allow you to do the shit you like and be against the shit you don’t like.

I’m also not letting you new age variety fucks get out of this. The type that says shit like, “Oh we don’t believe in a silly God that sends people to hell and tells you what to do, we have risen above that stuff.” Now we know that god is a force that is in all things, especially things that cost a lot of money.  Don’t buy a Bible, buy crystals, get a salt lamp, eat shit that makes you feel bad but must be good because of how bad it tastes. Seriously, for millennia there have been crystals everywhere, they’re pretty but they don’t do shit…so I mean it is only logical that someone out there would attach some spiritual mumbo jumbo to them and start charging people for that shit. Really though the salt lamp has to be the biggest scam I’ve ever seen. You know that salt that people put in their food? Well, we shoved a light bulb into it and now it it cures cancer, diabetes too….But please keep talking about how all the other religions are silly but you’re faith is serious shit.

Why do we need to invent a god to fit our flavor? Because people can’t fucking question religion. You can call someone some of the worst things on earth but add religion to it and you have stepped out of bound. If religion is so sacred and controls everything then shouldn’t we, maybe, just maybe, be able to question folks on their stupid ass beliefs? We live in a world where people are so afraid to piss off religious folk that we have a generation of children running around not vaccinated due to the disproved belief that it might cause autism or that God is anti-medicine. Which in reality is saying, I’d rather my child die of an easily preventable disease than maybe be a bit different than the rest of the stupid fucks on earth.Kids are dying because their parents don’t believe in medication… know who probably wished you would have questioned those beliefs??? The dead kids with shitty fuckin parents, that’s who…

Anyway, you know what really bugs me? Babies… Now I realize that without children the human race would cease to exist and while that’s a pretty rosy picture in all honesty, I do enjoy being alive…..but babies have become the designer car of the new millennium. Is your Facebook wall devoid of likes? Slap a baby on it and people will just go apeshit over how cute it is to see this small human that can’t say waffles correctly… Seriously if there is anything less deserving of admiration it’s a baby. It hasn’t done anything but exist, it shits itself, it whines all the time, and yet we promote them as the best thing since sliced bread, which explains the Solomon story a bit more, doesn’t it…. slice bread but don’t touch the baby…

I’m going to say it, babies are not cute…they are little monsters that have a few evolutionary traits that prevent parents from killing them. Imagine an angry little man or woman doing the exact same things that your kid does, would you pamper them and post pictures of them everywhere? No you’d say get the fuck out of my house and take your shit with you. Yet, babies, with their large eyes and small features are just cute enough that we don’t leave them outside for the wolves to raise…And in all honesty i think wolves would probably raise kids better than many modern parents, including those religious nut jobs that were mentioned before…but I don’t have time to go into that…

Another thing that really bugs the shit out of me is people who talk about various types of food. Now I don’t mean folks talking about actual different categories of food, like Mexican or Italian, but people who will chat about the various types of a specific type of food, for example butter. I once listened to two women talk about butter for over an hour. Stick butter, butter spread, butter spray, best butter for baking, best butter for frying, best butter for a feminine moisture replacement. Food is not that fucking interesting, in fact it is one of the most uninteresting things that we have, babies not included. Everyone eats and we all have our own taste in what we enjoy, but yet we expect everyone else to share the exact same flavor enjoyment.

Think about it, how long has the whole pineapple on pizza debate been going on? You know what, I don’t care if you put pineapple on your pizza or not, I don’t care if you enjoy pineapple, I don’t care if you are currently sitting there debating on whether or not to go to the hospital because you have a pineapple stuck up your ass. Seriously I have never gone into a conversation thinking, I wonder what this person thinks about pineapple….

In reality people are so afraid of being quiet, they are so horrified of a bit of silence, that they will talk about any bit of drivel that enters their mind. They speak about shit that they don’t give a shit about, to people who don’t give a shit about their opinion on shit, and everyone in the conversation realizes how little of a shit everyone is giving but they are too fucking afraid to experience silence. OMG it’s been 30 seconds since someone said some inane bullshit thing about mothballs, we must get this conversation going!

Anyway, these things really bug the shit out of me…maybe it’s my Asperger’s, but the whole world seems fucking insane and in the words of George Carlin…”It’s bad for you!”

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