In my life I have had many people say to me, why can’t you just chill out, calm down, get a grip on yourself or any other number of countless cliche sayings that people say who have no fucking clue what it is to have my brain. Sometimes I just can’t calm down. I get overloaded by something, maybe it is even something insignificant, like something throws my schedule off, but I will be in overload mode for the next several days.
This happened this weekend. I had a plan for Friday night and something completely destroyed that plan. I am not capable of simply going with the flow and accepting that changes happen, it is like that one change occurred and my brain has to completely rewire itself in order to make sense of the change. This puts me in an absolutely horrible mood and I lash out at just about anything possible to lash out at.
I am in a very bad mood and I can’t get my head away from it. Things seem to stick to this initial mood like glue and so one issue leads to another, which leads to another, which leads to another, which eventually causes my entire mind to shut down and all I want to do is lay around and cry for a day, a week, maybe a month. Who fucking knows? What I do know is that this emotion will last as long as it wants to until it just gives up the ghost and I can move on.
What’s worse is that my bad mood isn’t simply about one issue. When I get overwhelmed I am reminded of every other time in my life when I was overwhelmed before and these things feed off one another. So I’m not just mad that my schedule was fucked up, I’m mad at every time my schedule was fucked up, I’m mad about every mean thing that has ever been said about or to me. I remember things that were told to me when I was in kindergarten. Teachers telling me I shouldn’t scrunch my face and that I should smile more. I remember friendships ended for reasons that I still don’t understand, maybe i said something abnormal or did something strange, who fucking knows….
The real point here is that when I am in this mood, I can’t calm down, in fact I don’t even understand what the words calm down mean. Are “normal” people able to get pissed off at something and then instantly turn it off so that they can go around as if nothing ever bothered them? To me that is even more odd…like how do you just calm down? In fact when someone tells me to calm down it amps me up even more because now I know that my weird ass behaviors are noticeable and it bothers me even more, which in turn adds more stress on my already completely overwhelmed mind. I hate that my mind does this, but that’s what it does.
Anyway, back to being pissed off for however long my damn mind is going to keep me pissed off. Hope everyone is having a better day than my mind is allowing me to have.